Sunday, December 02, 2007
* Sunday Jokes *
* "GARDEN OF EDEN" *
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem !"
"What's the problem, Eve ?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy".
"Why is that, Eve ?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples".
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you".
"What's a 'man', Lord ?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inhability to empatize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack".
"Sounds great:, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.
But, you can have him on one condition"...
"What's that Lord ?"
You'll have to let him believe that I made him first"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* "Chinese Torture ?" *
A tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediatly goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not ! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease"...
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do ? My american doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis !"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laugh: "Stupid American docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate !"
"Oh, Thank God !", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry ! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself ! You save money"....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* "Going Fishing" *
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although, not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing ?"
- "Reading a book", she replies, (thinking,... "Isn't that obvious ?")
- "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area", he informs her.
- "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading"...
- "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up".
- "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault", says the woman.
- "But I haven't even touched you", says the game warden.
- "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment".
- "Have a nice day Ma'am",... and he left.
Moral: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* When Bill Gates will die... *
Bill Gates dies in a car accident...
He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not shure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go".
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two ?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, it if will help your decision".
"Fine, but where should I go first ?"
"I'll leave that up to you".
"Okay then", said Bill, "Let's try Hell first".
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of BEAUTIFUL women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shinning, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great !" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven !"
"Fine", said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmmm... I think I'd prefer Hell", he told God.
"Fine", retorted God, "As you desire"...
So, Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going ?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful ! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago ! I can't believe this is happening ! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water ????"
"Oh, that ?... That was a DEMO", replied God.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Mad Wife Disease... *
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
- "What was that for ?" he asked.
- "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it !" she replied.
- "Two weeks ago, when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on",... he explained.
- "Oh honey, I'm sorry",... she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation".
Three days later, he was watching a ballgame on TV when,... she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skiilet, which knocked him out cold.
When his husband came to, he asked,...
- "What the hell was that for ?"
She replied still furiously,...
- "Your horse called",...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* "Spaghetti"... *
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, the doctor gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
- "But how will I let you know the baby is born ?" she asked doctor.
He replied,... "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expences"...
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six month went by, and then, one day, the doctor's wife called him at the office and said,...
- "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means"...
The doctor said,... "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you"...
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest...
So, the wife picked up the postcard and read,...
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* The Chinese Detective... *
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so,... he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report activities while he was gone.
A few days later he received this report:
" Most Hon'ble Sir,
You leave the house,
I watch house...
He come to house,
I watch.
He and she leave house,
I follow,...
He and she get on train,
I follow.
He and she go in hotel,
I climb tree - look in window,...
He kiss she,
She kiss he,
He strip she,
She strip he,
He play with she,
She play with he,
I play with me,...
Fall out of tree.
Not see,...
No fee".....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Sex After Marriage... *
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on the honeymoon.
- "Care to go upstairs an do it ?" the husband asked.
- "Shhhh !"... said the bride...
- "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking: Have you left the washing machine door open ?" instead...
So, the following night, the husband asks,...
- "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you ?"
- "No, I definitely shut it !"... replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said,...
- "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all.
Would you like to do some washing ?"...
- "No, thanks !", said the husband.
- "It was only a small load, so... I did it by hand".......
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* "Is this Your Husband ?"... *
After a long night of passion, a young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
- "There might be some matches in the top derawer",... she replied.
He opened the drawer of the beside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry,...
- "Is this your husband ?"... he inquired nervously.
- "No, silly", she replied, snuggling up to him.
- "Your boyfriend, then ?"... he asked again.
- "No, not at all !", she said, nibbling away at his ear.
- "Well,... who is then ?"... demanded the bewidered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied,....
- "That's me before the operation"........
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Tomatoe Garden... *
An old italian man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
"Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad"
A few days later he received a letter from his son,...
"Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES...
Love, Vincenzo"
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police (Carabinieri...) arrived and dig up the entire area without finding any bodies...
They apologized to the old man and left...
That same day the old man received another letter from his son...
"Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now,... That's the best I could do for you under present circumstances...
FUNNY EH ! I TOUGHT SO !...
Love, Vincenzo"....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* "I Could Use A Little Money"... *
One day, a young guy, student somewhere outside his native place, and having an pressing need of money, send to his father an allusive letter...
"Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ? ain't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on".
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back...
"Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmy, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad"....................
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Death by E-mail... *
A Michigan couple were talking a trip to Florida to thaw out for the winter. They were planning to stay at the same hotel they had 20 years earlier. Because of the hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate schedules to travel, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down, the next day.
The husband checks into the hotel. There was a computer in his room so he e-mailed his wife.
However, he accidentaly left out one letter in her e-mail adress whitout realizing his mistake. He sent the e-mail...
Meanwhile somewhere in Huston, a widow had just returned home from her husband funeral. He was a mister that died from a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail for messages from her relatives and friends. After reading the first message she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room and saw on the computer screen:
To: my lovely wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: December 20, 2005
... i know your surprised to here from me but they have computers here now and u r allowed t ascend e-mails to Ur loved ones. I've just arrived and checked in. I see everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then I hope your journey is great as mine was..................
P. S. It sure is freaking hot down here.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem !"
"What's the problem, Eve ?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy".
"Why is that, Eve ?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples".
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you".
"What's a 'man', Lord ?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inhability to empatize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack".
"Sounds great:, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.
But, you can have him on one condition"...
"What's that Lord ?"
You'll have to let him believe that I made him first"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* "Chinese Torture ?" *
A tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediatly goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not ! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease"...
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do ? My american doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis !"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laugh: "Stupid American docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate !"
"Oh, Thank God !", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry ! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself ! You save money"....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* "Going Fishing" *
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although, not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing ?"
- "Reading a book", she replies, (thinking,... "Isn't that obvious ?")
- "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area", he informs her.
- "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading"...
- "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up".
- "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault", says the woman.
- "But I haven't even touched you", says the game warden.
- "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment".
- "Have a nice day Ma'am",... and he left.
Moral: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* When Bill Gates will die... *
Bill Gates dies in a car accident...
He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not shure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go".
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two ?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, it if will help your decision".
"Fine, but where should I go first ?"
"I'll leave that up to you".
"Okay then", said Bill, "Let's try Hell first".
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of BEAUTIFUL women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shinning, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great !" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven !"
"Fine", said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmmm... I think I'd prefer Hell", he told God.
"Fine", retorted God, "As you desire"...
So, Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going ?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful ! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago ! I can't believe this is happening ! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water ????"
"Oh, that ?... That was a DEMO", replied God.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Mad Wife Disease... *
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
- "What was that for ?" he asked.
- "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it !" she replied.
- "Two weeks ago, when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on",... he explained.
- "Oh honey, I'm sorry",... she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation".
Three days later, he was watching a ballgame on TV when,... she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skiilet, which knocked him out cold.
When his husband came to, he asked,...
- "What the hell was that for ?"
She replied still furiously,...
- "Your horse called",...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* "Spaghetti"... *
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, the doctor gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
- "But how will I let you know the baby is born ?" she asked doctor.
He replied,... "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expences"...
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six month went by, and then, one day, the doctor's wife called him at the office and said,...
- "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means"...
The doctor said,... "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you"...
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest...
So, the wife picked up the postcard and read,...
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* The Chinese Detective... *
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so,... he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report activities while he was gone.
A few days later he received this report:
" Most Hon'ble Sir,
You leave the house,
I watch house...
He come to house,
I watch.
He and she leave house,
I follow,...
He and she get on train,
I follow.
He and she go in hotel,
I climb tree - look in window,...
He kiss she,
She kiss he,
He strip she,
She strip he,
He play with she,
She play with he,
I play with me,...
Fall out of tree.
Not see,...
No fee".....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Sex After Marriage... *
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on the honeymoon.
- "Care to go upstairs an do it ?" the husband asked.
- "Shhhh !"... said the bride...
- "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking: Have you left the washing machine door open ?" instead...
So, the following night, the husband asks,...
- "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you ?"
- "No, I definitely shut it !"... replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said,...
- "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all.
Would you like to do some washing ?"...
- "No, thanks !", said the husband.
- "It was only a small load, so... I did it by hand".......
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* "Is this Your Husband ?"... *
After a long night of passion, a young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
- "There might be some matches in the top derawer",... she replied.
He opened the drawer of the beside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry,...
- "Is this your husband ?"... he inquired nervously.
- "No, silly", she replied, snuggling up to him.
- "Your boyfriend, then ?"... he asked again.
- "No, not at all !", she said, nibbling away at his ear.
- "Well,... who is then ?"... demanded the bewidered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied,....
- "That's me before the operation"........
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Tomatoe Garden... *
An old italian man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
"Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad"
A few days later he received a letter from his son,...
"Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES...
Love, Vincenzo"
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police (Carabinieri...) arrived and dig up the entire area without finding any bodies...
They apologized to the old man and left...
That same day the old man received another letter from his son...
"Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now,... That's the best I could do for you under present circumstances...
FUNNY EH ! I TOUGHT SO !...
Love, Vincenzo"....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* "I Could Use A Little Money"... *
One day, a young guy, student somewhere outside his native place, and having an pressing need of money, send to his father an allusive letter...
"Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ? ain't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on".
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back...
"Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmy, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad"....................
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Death by E-mail... *
A Michigan couple were talking a trip to Florida to thaw out for the winter. They were planning to stay at the same hotel they had 20 years earlier. Because of the hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate schedules to travel, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down, the next day.
The husband checks into the hotel. There was a computer in his room so he e-mailed his wife.
However, he accidentaly left out one letter in her e-mail adress whitout realizing his mistake. He sent the e-mail...
Meanwhile somewhere in Huston, a widow had just returned home from her husband funeral. He was a mister that died from a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail for messages from her relatives and friends. After reading the first message she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room and saw on the computer screen:
To: my lovely wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: December 20, 2005
... i know your surprised to here from me but they have computers here now and u r allowed t ascend e-mails to Ur loved ones. I've just arrived and checked in. I see everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then I hope your journey is great as mine was..................
P. S. It sure is freaking hot down here.
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