* First taste of sex *
A young man goes to a whorehouse to expierence his first taste of sex.
The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.
The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man to eat her pussy. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.
The young man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.
A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.
Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66 of those !"
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* Relationship secrets *
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
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* Super Market mistake *
This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me ?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children !"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ !" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass ?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"…
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* Camel time *
There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.
The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.
One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir ?"
The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down.
"It's about 2:00", he says.
The tourist can't believe what he just saw.
He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story,
"The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals !"
One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens !! It is 2:05.p.m.
He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done.
He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals.
The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air.
Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall"….
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* Castrated *
- "Doc", says Steve, "I want to be castrated".
- "What on earth for ?" asks the doctor in amazement.
- "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
- "But have you thought it through properly ?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever !"
- "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor".
- "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment !"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
- "Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me".
- "Well", said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised".
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit ! THAT'S the word !”
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* Old lover *
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris".
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already ?"
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* Tax Return *
There was a man who computed his taxes for 2005 & found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 2005 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund", as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw". (See attached article... HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw).
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers".
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