Sunday, November 11, 2007
* Sunday Jokes *
* Existentialist *
The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre ?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working.
A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream... how about with no milk ?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Sex addict *
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me, I just can't stop having sex !"
"Well how often do you have it ?" the doctor asks ?
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife"
"TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary".
"TWICE a day !!! Well that is probably a bit excessive", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute".
"Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand".
"I do", says the man. "Twice a day"…
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* In bed *
He said: Darling. Was I the first to make love to you ?
She said: Turn the light on and I'll see if I can recall your face.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Doctor’s news *
This guy goes into a doctor's office.
The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones ! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news ?"
The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first".
"Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live", the doctor replies.
The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible ! What could be worse than that ? What's the VERY bad news ?"
The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is... I've been trying to contact you since yesterday".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* How a man makes love *
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door".
John says, "Well, give me some examples".
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me".
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either".
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door ?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Lost old man *
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75 to 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre sobbing his eyes out.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'I have a 22year-old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly brewed coffee'.
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying ?'
He said, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon'.
I asked again, 'So why are you crying ?'
He continued, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight'.
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying ?'
He answered, 'I can't remember where I live'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Tarzan and Jane *
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for ?'
Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels'.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* An African King *
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.
However, she remembers what her boss told her... don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara".
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem ! I have. I have".
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France".
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build".
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis".
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut"…..
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Kittens *
A little boy was walking down the street pulling a wagon with a new litter of kittens in it.
Bill Clinton approached him and said "What cute little kittens you have there, young man. What kind are they ?"
The little boy said, "They're Democrats". Bill Clinton said, "Oh, how nice" and moved on.
A week are so later, the little boy is again pulling the kittens down the street.
Bill Clinton and George Bush are walking together and approach the little boy.
George Bush said, "Those are some cute kittens. What kind are they ?" The little boy said, "They're Republicans".
Bill Clinton said, "Now, wait just a minute ! Last time I saw you with those same kittens, you told me they were Democrats".
The little boy smiled and replied, "Yes Sir, but they have their eyes open now"…
The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre ?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working.
A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream... how about with no milk ?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Sex addict *
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me, I just can't stop having sex !"
"Well how often do you have it ?" the doctor asks ?
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife"
"TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary".
"TWICE a day !!! Well that is probably a bit excessive", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute".
"Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand".
"I do", says the man. "Twice a day"…
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* In bed *
He said: Darling. Was I the first to make love to you ?
She said: Turn the light on and I'll see if I can recall your face.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Doctor’s news *
This guy goes into a doctor's office.
The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones ! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news ?"
The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first".
"Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live", the doctor replies.
The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible ! What could be worse than that ? What's the VERY bad news ?"
The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is... I've been trying to contact you since yesterday".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* How a man makes love *
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door".
John says, "Well, give me some examples".
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me".
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either".
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door ?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Lost old man *
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75 to 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre sobbing his eyes out.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'I have a 22year-old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly brewed coffee'.
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying ?'
He said, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon'.
I asked again, 'So why are you crying ?'
He continued, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight'.
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying ?'
He answered, 'I can't remember where I live'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Tarzan and Jane *
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for ?'
Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels'.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* An African King *
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.
However, she remembers what her boss told her... don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara".
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem ! I have. I have".
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France".
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build".
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis".
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut"…..
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Kittens *
A little boy was walking down the street pulling a wagon with a new litter of kittens in it.
Bill Clinton approached him and said "What cute little kittens you have there, young man. What kind are they ?"
The little boy said, "They're Democrats". Bill Clinton said, "Oh, how nice" and moved on.
A week are so later, the little boy is again pulling the kittens down the street.
Bill Clinton and George Bush are walking together and approach the little boy.
George Bush said, "Those are some cute kittens. What kind are they ?" The little boy said, "They're Republicans".
Bill Clinton said, "Now, wait just a minute ! Last time I saw you with those same kittens, you told me they were Democrats".
The little boy smiled and replied, "Yes Sir, but they have their eyes open now"…
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