Sunday, November 25, 2007
* Sunday Jokes *
* Excuses ! *
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck !"
"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits !"
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* Soldiers payout *
On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander.
The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of £100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice.
The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up.
"I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr !" replies the man of war.
"Excellent", says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's £7000".
Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched.
"Excellent", replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's £7500".
Thirdly he asks the explosives expert.
"I'll have measured the tip of my dick to he end of my balls sahr !"
The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier ?"
The soldier smiles at him and says, "Falkland Islands sahr !"…
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* Garage door *
Noticing that her boss's fly was open, an embarrassed secretary told him as she left the office, "Your garage door is open".
The bewildered executive didn't know what she meant until a co-worker finally told him what she was referring to.
The next day, he called his secretary into his office and said, "Yesterday, when my garage door was open, did you see a long red Cadillac with a hard top ?"
"Oh, no," she replied. "It was a little pink Volkswagen with two flat tires up front"….
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Complete coverage *
Two men are in a doctor's office.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy... the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done".
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that ?"
To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure".
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man… She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey ! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job ?"
The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.
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* Sergeants *
Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in".
"But we's privates", protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now", says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink".
"But we's privates", says Jasper.
You blind, boy ?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now".
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute", she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea".
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign".
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
"Jasper", he says, "what fo' you give me the okay ?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates". He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now !"….
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* Car accident *
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
- "If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes ?" he asked.
- "Yes !" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
- "Go and get help !" he cried.
- "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone !"
- "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself".
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me ! My boyfriend's stuck !"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do.... he's in too far !"
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* As wide as *
A couple had been married 10 years.
One afternoon, they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill".
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt.
"Yep", he said, "just what I thought, just about the same size".
The wife became mad and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, honey ? How about a little lovemaking ?"
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter ?" he asked.
She replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill with your little match stick, do you ?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* College dance *
At a local college, there was a dance. A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sweden, we call it a hug too".
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sweden, we call it a kiss too".
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sweden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it"…
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* Black magic *
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life !"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket.
After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid ? ...Concerned ? ...Worried ? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ?
The wife put down her drink and said... "Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down !"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Mental asylum *
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criterion which defines a patient to be institutionalised.
"Well" said the Director "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub".
OK, here's your test:
1. Would you use the teaspoon ?
2. Would you use the teacup ?
3. Would you use the bucket ?
"Oh, I understand" said the visitor "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup".
"No" said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug ! Do you want a room with or without a view ?"
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck !"
"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits !"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Soldiers payout *
On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander.
The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of £100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice.
The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up.
"I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr !" replies the man of war.
"Excellent", says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's £7000".
Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched.
"Excellent", replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's £7500".
Thirdly he asks the explosives expert.
"I'll have measured the tip of my dick to he end of my balls sahr !"
The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier ?"
The soldier smiles at him and says, "Falkland Islands sahr !"…
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Garage door *
Noticing that her boss's fly was open, an embarrassed secretary told him as she left the office, "Your garage door is open".
The bewildered executive didn't know what she meant until a co-worker finally told him what she was referring to.
The next day, he called his secretary into his office and said, "Yesterday, when my garage door was open, did you see a long red Cadillac with a hard top ?"
"Oh, no," she replied. "It was a little pink Volkswagen with two flat tires up front"….
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Complete coverage *
Two men are in a doctor's office.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy... the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done".
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that ?"
To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure".
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man… She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey ! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job ?"
The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Sergeants *
Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in".
"But we's privates", protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now", says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink".
"But we's privates", says Jasper.
You blind, boy ?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now".
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute", she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea".
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign".
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
"Jasper", he says, "what fo' you give me the okay ?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates". He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now !"….
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Car accident *
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
- "If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes ?" he asked.
- "Yes !" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
- "Go and get help !" he cried.
- "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone !"
- "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself".
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me ! My boyfriend's stuck !"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do.... he's in too far !"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* As wide as *
A couple had been married 10 years.
One afternoon, they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill".
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt.
"Yep", he said, "just what I thought, just about the same size".
The wife became mad and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, honey ? How about a little lovemaking ?"
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter ?" he asked.
She replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill with your little match stick, do you ?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* College dance *
At a local college, there was a dance. A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sweden, we call it a hug too".
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sweden, we call it a kiss too".
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sweden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it"…
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Black magic *
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life !"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket.
After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid ? ...Concerned ? ...Worried ? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ?
The wife put down her drink and said... "Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down !"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Mental asylum *
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criterion which defines a patient to be institutionalised.
"Well" said the Director "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub".
OK, here's your test:
1. Would you use the teaspoon ?
2. Would you use the teacup ?
3. Would you use the bucket ?
"Oh, I understand" said the visitor "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup".
"No" said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug ! Do you want a room with or without a view ?"
Saturday, November 24, 2007
* DAILY NEWS *
EDITORIAL
Euro-elections on Sunday and battle starting on Monday – Cristian Unteanu – Ziua – read here -
“This Sunday's Euro-elections are interesting just because they will be charting a new map of domestic political battles. As for the rest, there has actually been no debate on European priorities, as expected. The debate has been shadowed by the endless scandals and merciless battle between the Romanian President and PM”.POLITICS
Judgement day – Roxana Andronic & Ovidiu Banches – Ziua – read here -“Romanian politicians involved in Sunday's election of MEPs, as well as President Traian Basescu, did their best yesterday to score some deciding points and persuade people into voting for them. The way Romanians perceive their efforts will be seen on Sunday“.
Consultations due in Cotroceni Palace after referendum – Cristian Andrei – Ziua – read here -“The President of Romania Traian Basescu announced last Thursday that he would demand political parties to meet him in Cotroceni palace for consultations if 6 out of 7 Romanians voted for his version of the uninominal vote system in Sunday's referendum. Except for the Democrats and Liberal-Democrats, parties are not fond of the idea because they are skeptical about the initiative's success”.
Romanian President: One divided nation – Adrian Ilie – Ziua – read here -“According to the President of Romania Traian Basescu, the Romanian-Moldovan border will be dismembered once the Moldovan Republic joins the EU. Until then, he argued yesterday, it is our duty to accelerate the visa process and the Romanian citizenship procedures for the Moldovans who want it, for the young ones in particular”.
LATEST
Rompetrol case to return to Prosecutor's Office – Razvan Savaliuc – Ziua – read here -“Bucharest Court decided that the Rompetrol case should be returned to the Prosecutor's Office because of the many illegal deeds committed by prosecutors”.
Friday, November 23, 2007
* DAILY NEWS *
EDITORIAL
Victory and failure – Sorin Rosca Stanescu – Ziua – read here -
“Even if the Euro-elections lack direct effects on the great political confrontations to emerge once with the local and parliamentary elections, they still give some important clues, first of all of psychological nature. As seen, Romania's population obeys the "give it all to the winner" principle. It means a party winning a competition, no matter the type of competition, has got a call for scoring extra points later. This is why, although they had barely won elections, Traian Basescu and the "Truth and Justice" Alliance became beneficiaries of huge figures in terms of credibility right after taking over. The credibility points they got were significantly greater than those obtained in elections”.POLITICS
President to appoint SIE chief next Monday – Anca Hriban – Ziua – read here -“The President of Romania is to announce his choice for a new chief to rule the SIE (Foreign Intelligence Service) next Monday, one day after the Euro-election and the referendum take place. Although he has already decided, the President wouldn't give the name of the person to take the seat still empty after Claudiu Saftoiu's resignation“.
Vitiated scrutiny – Razvan Savaliuc – Ziua – read here -“The results of Sunday's election are very likely to be erroneous. In the NET Consulting system there are severe deficiencies allowing for manipulation to be interpreted as computer mistake”.
President reproaches government for "embarrassing trick" – Adrian Ilie – Ziua – read here -“The President of Romania Traian Basescu reproached the government yesterday for having included unconstitutional points in the uninominal vote law project deliberately. The head of state mentioned the existence of the extra national lists to be posted in polling stations, which he described as unconstitutional. He argued: "One can't vote for people whose names are written on the walls. It is a trap. They wanted someone to deny the law so that the implementation of the uninominal vote system would be postponed till after 2008" ”.
PM criticizes "kings of asphalt" – Razvan Gheorghe & Magda Severin – Ziua – read here -“The "kings of asphalt" protected by Cotroceni Palace monopolize all the building works in Bucharest and this is why traffic gets at a standstill. This is what the Romanian PM Calin Popescu-Tariceanu claimed yesterday, assailing the Romanian President Traian Basescu and the Democrat mayor of Bucharest, Adriean Videanu, one more time. The PM said it at the opening of the second car passage in Baneasa quarter”.
LATEST
How much are the Euro-deputies ? – R.I.P. – Ziua – read here -“According to the leaders of the PIN (National Initiative Party), Romania's 35 representatives to the Parliament of Europe would spend more than 82 million Euro in 5 years. The party demanded that each such Euro-deputy should provide "a public report" at the end of mandate. The party officials claimed yesterday that none of the 35 Euro-deputies had delivered such a report that far”.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
* DAILY NEWS *
EDITORIAL
Presidential boycott – Sorin Rosca Stanescu – Ziua – read here -
“Traian Basescu's insistence to boycott the uninominal elections in 2008 looks like stubbornness, although he keeps on saying he intends to promote the radical version of this system. How come I am accusing the head of state, given his official statements ?”.POLITICS
Constitutional Court to decide on government's uninominal vote system – Anca Hriban & Razvan Gheorghe – Ziua – read here -“In order to avoid promulgating the new electoral law that would make Sunday's referendum pointless, the President of Romania Traian Basescu invoked the unconstitutional nature of the law version promoted by the Tariceanu Cabinet in the Parliament“.
Referendum 'sabotaged' – Adrian Ilie – Ziua – read here -“According to the President of Romania Traian Basescu, the referendum meant to suspend him and the coming referendum on the uninominal vote system differ substantially in terms of the number of voting citizens required for the scrutiny to be validated. The President has argued: "If we read the law, we can see that the President might have been dismissed if 2 our of 3 Romanians voted for it. The referendum in May 19 would have been validated. Now when people are asked for opinions, the lawmakers have set a very difficult requirement: the presence of 9,1 million electors" ”.
Romanian PM: PNL-PSD government is mere speculation – Razvan Gheorghe – Ziua – read here -“Yesterday the Romanian PM Calin Popescu-Tariceanu avoided making comments on the information rumoring that after November 25 there would emerge a government of the PNL (National Liberal Party), the PSD (Social-Democrat Party), the PC (Conservative Party) and the UDMR (Democrat Union of Magyars in Romania). He argued he wouldn't comment on speculation coming from newspapers serving Presidency. "I am not a political analyst and I don't comment on such speculation", he pointed”.
'Dragon' Operation – Ziua – Ziua – read here -“In his article "44 Years of Kremlin Deception", published by ZIUA and the Human Events review simultaneously, General Pacepa denounces the KGB scenario on the assassination of Kennedy”.
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